Former President Eisenhower, actually cartoon character Elmer Fudd.
He was quoted as saying: [ lmpersonating Fudd ] "Thank you, America.
It was fun being President."
Also, Gina Lollobrigida has been declared the ltalian National Mountain Range.
Thank you, Gina. "Look out. Look, I don't see the sun anymore."
Play a little game show while we're waiting. Who can tell me who sang the song "My Guy"?
- Hi. Where you from? - Uh, Boston.
- Boston, you know who sang the song "My Guy"? - Yeah, shit, I can't think of it.
[ Buzzer ] Thank you for playing! "Yeah, shit, I can't think of it." That's right.
You don't win the case of fish balls and lizard testicles. Thank you for playing anyway.
Here it is right now. Hey, what's your name?
- Patrick O'Ma-- O'Malley. - Patrick O-O-O-O'Malley.
I don't know. I'm just so happy. I'm O-O-O'Malley.
I don't know. It's the lrish boy.
I'm just so full of semen. I haven't gotten laid yet.
I'm sittin' out there, and I'm the Catholic boy and I don't know when I'll be gettin' laid.
- I'm just goin' off to Vietnam. Where you from? - From the Village. New York.
[ Effeminate Voice ] From the Village? Well, nice to have you here.
Nice to have you here in Vietnam. Obviously, you just said, "Well, fuck it.
I'll join the army and be with people in green." It's a special thing to do.
- Hiya. What's your name? - Jimmy Wilkes. - [ Deep Voice ] Jimmy Wilkes.
- Where you from, Jimmy? - I'm also New York.
Ohh! Two boys joined together.
Hey, said, "Well, I got drunk, man. All of a sudden, I went for a tattoo.
Next thing you know, I'm on a fuckin' truck. What happened?"
It's wild, baby. I don't know what's goin' down. But you're both from New York.
Nice to have you here. Like, you just, like hangin' out?
- You're headed north. Where you goin' to? - Nha Trengh.
Well, you gotta be careful, Jack. That's some heavy stuff up there.
That's like Newark after dark. You gotta watch out.
There's some heavy shit goin' down, baby.
You'll feel like George Wallace campaigning in Harlem. "Hi, have you seen my face?"
"Get yo' ass outta here!" You gotta watch it. What type of music do you like?
You like, uh, you like Little Anthony?
- [ Soldiers ] Yeah! Stones! - I like James Brown better.
You like James Brown better. Yes, sir. And the Stones. What about Mick Jagger?
Mick Jagger, right. You think he looks like a photo negative of Little Richard?
Really. And that hair. I think-- I don't know. All right!
[ British Accent ] Gentlemen, I don't know-- Oh, my God, these lips!
My God, they're moving! I'm gonna flap my eyebrows to death.
Look out. I'm singing, everybody. I'm singing. Oh, get outta here.
- Watch out. All right. Where you from? - I'm from Cleveland, man.
Cleveland. Obviously, Vietnam's not that much of a change for you, then.
Aw, naw.
You guys take care of yourself, 'cause you all look like:
[ Scared Voice ] I don't know what's gonna happen, man. I don't know.
What's this thing on the side of your helmet?
- Here. Why don't you try it out? - "Why don't you try it out?"
Look at that. It says here, it says what sizes you got.
You got large, medium and Caucasian.
Look at this thing. A little ltalian party favor there. Oh! Oh, no, Bozo, boys and girls.
Look at this thing. Obviously, this is goin' like: Yeah, check it out.
Hold on. Look. How big is this thing? Hold on. How big is this?
Black man's goin': It's just for the tip. That's all I need is the tip.
It's a bathing cap. I just like to put a bathing cap.
Remember, this is the Vietnamese word "Con Dum." Look. Italian moon launch.
There. Whoa, geez. It almost blew up in my face.
Boom. There's prophylactic everywhere, man. It's not a pretty picture.
There's pieces of rubber all over his face.
I don't know what to say. You guys, be careful. What's your name?
- My name is Lewis Striker. - Lewis Striker, Brother Striker. Thank you, Brother Striker.
- Sean Donum. - Sean Donum.
- Jay Snyder. - Feels like the Mouseketeers show. Annette, Cubby, Roy!
Well, you guys, you take care of yourselves. I won't forget you.
- [ Whistle Blowing ] - All right, guys, let's say good-bye to the radio star.
- We're outta here. - [ Engine Revving, Soldiers Shouting ]
Bye-bye-bye-bye!
[ Soldiers Shouting ] Bye! Take care!
[ Engines Revving, Soldiers Calling Good-byes ]
[ Soldier ] All right!
[ Cheering ]
[ Siren Wailing ]
Good morning, Vietnam!
Hey, it's another delightful day here in Vacationland.
[ lmitating Glinda, The Good Witch ] Everybody, time to get up.
Get up, wherever you are.
[ Cheerfully ] That's right, rise and shine, rise and shine!
Got some songs goin' out right now to a couple of guys on the road to Nha Trengh.
You know what I'm talkin' about. Hey, Mr. O'Malley, O'Malley.
You know. The lrish Dolby twins.
They're out there. Special song goin' out to you, right now.
[ Louis Armstrong ] I see trees of green
Red roses too
I see them bloom
For me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
I see skies of blue
And clouds of white
The bright, blessed day
The dark, sacred night
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow
So pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces
Of people going by
I see friends shakin' hands
Sayin' How do you do
They're really saying I love you
I hear babies crying
I watch them grow
They'll learn much more
Than I'll ever know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself
What a wonderful world
- Oh, yeah - Oh, yeah
That was Louis B. Armstrong, the great Satchmo.
Want to interview some G.I.s in the field, sir? And play those tapes on the radio?
God only knows what they'd say, sir.
It involves Cronauer, which makes me suspicious immediately.
An Lac. And Cronauer would definitely be going along? Hold on a minute, sir.
G-2, Corporal Tiser, sir.
One moment.
Route One-A, sir, is the only route to An Lac, sir.
Does that road have a secure status?
No, sir, it does not. That road is Victor Charlie, sir.
- It is definitely not a friendly area. - Negative, sir. It is not.
It is hazardous and, uh, has been for about 48 hours.
Heavily fortified and considered very unsafe, sir.
Thank you.
Sir, I recommend we issue a 24-hour pass.
So this is the country where they grow rattan love seats.
- [ Chuckles ] - God, is it hot.
What a country. Heat, humidity, terrorism.
Still, it's better than New York in the summer.
Hey, fellas, how's the cough drop business?
You know, we haven't passed too many checkpoints since Chon Thanh.
Why do you make every Vietnamese town sound like a Mexican restaurant?
Britain imposed an oil embargo on Rhodesia today...
after that country's unilateral declaration of independence.
Gambia, Singapore and the Maldive lslands join the United Nations.
Sertse Khama becomes the first premier of Bechuanaland.
In sports, all-star rookie Pete Rose's three hits--
What do you think you'll do after all this, Ed? When you get out of the army?
I think I learned enough about radio stations--
I mean, maybe I can work in a station back home or something.
Really? Give me your best shot. Lay somethin' on me.
Give it a go. Give it a go.
This is Eddie Garlick comin' to you live from AFRS, Armed Forces Radio Saigon.
Now funkify it. Give me some real funk.
Give it to me, Edward.
- This is Eddie Garlick, com-- - Heh!
Good morning, Vietnam!
You're listening to Eddie Kirk on AFRS. I have a big special--
- [ Radio ]...for, but we need to hear your requests. - [ Speaking Vietnamese ]
So send in your postcards to Eddie Kirk, right here.
Hey!
You fine. How you are? Take you home.
You come out. No problem.
Take you home. Safe now from V.C.
Hi. This is Marty Lee Dreiwitz at Cronauer Control Center.
Adrian Cronauer is on temporary assignment,
and I'll be filling in until he arrives, hopefully sometime this morning.
Right now, let's play a song from Adrian's own play list, one of A.C.'s favorites.
It's going to be an exciting day of listening and learning, so please, tune in.
"Sukiyaki," "Volare," "The Portuguese Washerwoman"...
and "Third Man Theme" on the Kirk lnternational--
- Baby, please don't go - [ Speaking Vietnamese ]
You know I love you so Baby, please don't go
[ Whistle Blowing ]
- Baby, I'm done gone Baby, I'm done gone - Hold it, hold it, hold it.
[ Speaking Vietnamese ]
- What's up? - I try to find Cronow. He don't show up in class.
He didn't show up for work today either. You know anything about this?
Listen, jerkoff! We're here fighting for your country!
- Now where did Cronauer go? - An Lac.
- His pass say "An Lac." - An Lac? Shit!
- [ Cronauer ] You okay? - [ Garlick ] Yeah. Yeah. You okay?
No.
Come on, pal. We'll make it.
- I have a hunch. - Yeah.
- V.C. The fuckin' V.C. - Tell me somethin' I don't know, okay?
How far you think we've gone?
Ten, fifteen miles.
Think we've reached Cambodia yet?
How can you fight a war in this shit?
I don't know where they are. I don't even know where I am.
Can't see dick. Like hunting with Ray Charles.
[ Tuan ] It okay! You can come out now.
If you here, I cannot find you unless you talk to me.
It's too dangerous staying here.
You don't believe it's me? Okay. Flip them the bird!
- Tuan? - Hey, there you are, Cronauer.
How the helI'd you find us, Sparky?
Your Jeep.
We're obviously not in Cambodia.
- [ Starter Cranking ] - [ Garlick ] Try it again.
[ Starter Whining, Clattering ]
- [ Garlick ] One more time. - [ Starter Cranking ]
Goddamn it. Our Jeep gets blown off the road, and his van won't start.
- That's great. You know why we ended up in the same place. - Why is that?
Your limp pulled us to the right. We were going around in circles.
Stick with me. I don't want to go around again.
[ Cronauer ] We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.
- Listen. - [ Helicopter Blades Whirring ]
Somewhere over there.
There it is, man. Yo!
Yo! Right there!
Yo, G.I.! Hello, sailor! Hello!
- Whoo! - Whoo! Boogaloo, boogaloo! Hey!
To avoid razor burn problems, always rinse your razor with cold water instead of hot.
Your skin will look and feel a whole lot better.
That's it for "Hygiene in the Heat." Tomorrow we'll--
- Welcome back. - Thank you, Sergeant. I've missed you.
[ Chuckling ]
I'm informing you that you're outta here.
I want your bags packed and ready to go tomorrow afternoon.
[ Laughs ] You don't have the power. I'll take this right to the authorities.
I am the authorities, you moron.
Oh, I got your pansy ass in a sling now, Cronauer.
Who's Tuan? The guys who flew you in from An Lac...
radioed they'd picked up a young South Vietnamese boy with you and Garlick.
Who is this South Vietnamese boy?
- He's a friend from my class who risked his ass to save my life. - A "friend"?
- Your friend is a V.C. terrorist. - [ Laughs ]
Yeah, and my mother's a werewolf, right?
Tuan is also known as Phan Duc Tho.
He's currently wanted by the South Vietnamese police...
in connection with several bombings in the area,
including the one at Jimmy Wah's.
Surely you're familiar with that incident.
Did you ever wonder how a young South Vietnamese boy...
gets into and out of V.C.-held territory?
It's dangerous out there. Things just jump out at you.
And yet this boy can get in and out without a scratch.
And what about Jimmy Wah's? Didn't you ever wonder why you were pulled out...
just moments before the whole place blew up?
Or are you normally not that inquisitive?
Friends of Phan Duc Tho.
These three were executed shortly after this photo was taken.
Your friend is next.
I don't recommend that you tangle with me on this one, Airman.
There's not too many high-ranking officers would be sympathetic...
to a serviceman with links to terrorists.
The army is kind of quirky that way.
A conviction on the charge of treason against the United States...
carries with it some penalties kind of on the stiff side, if you know what I mean.
I have arranged for an honorable discharge, provided you leave without incident.
- Ten hut. - At ease.
Cronauer, I'm sorry as hell about this thing. Goddamn it, I like you, son.
I like what you do. Most of all, I like what you've done for the men.
But facts are facts.
This could give the army a black eye. I'm not gonna cover for you this time, son.
Sir? What about the show?
We'll handle it.
I'm sorry, son.
Why'd you do this?
I don't like your style, your politics or your sense of humor.
I don't like what you say or how you say it.
From now on, the fighting men of Vietnam will hear exactly what they're supposed to hear.
You're on a DC-8 from Tan Son Nhut airport tomorrow at 1830 hours.
I recommend you pack quietly.
That's all I have for you, Airman.
You know,
you're in more dire need of a blow job than any white man in history.
[ Door Closes ]
Whoa there, Dick. Put the brakes on.
I wanted to wait 'til the airman left to talk with you.
Uh, Dick, I'm transferring you.
- Transferring me, sir? - Mm-hmm.
- Where to, sir? - You're going to Guam.
Guam, sir! There's nothin' goin' on in Guam! Why Guam?
Dick, I've covered for you a lot of times 'cause I thought you was a little crazy.
But you're not crazy. You're mean. And this is just radio.
[ Chuckling ]
More dire need of a blow job than any white man in history. That's funny.
Hey, Teacher! When are you gonna teach us softball?
Listen, I gotta talk to you. Now! Come on.
- Mr. Cronauer, I must talk to you. - Oh, Minh, not now.
- Listen, you gotta tell me where your brother is. - Don't know.
Listen, his life is in danger. You gotta tell me where the hell he is.
- No, I don't-- - Bullshit!
Listen. No more games, okay? The army knows about your brother.
I have to leave the country because of my association with him.
They have pictures of him. If they find him, they will shoot him.
If you want to continue to have a brother, you take me to him now!
- [ Vendor Calling Out ] - [ Horn Beeping ]
[ Baby Crying ]
[ Speaking Vietnamese ]
Phan Duc Tho!
[ Cronauer Shouts ]
[ Crowing ]
Know about the bombings, Sparky.
No wonder you hauled ass.
You were my friend.
I trusted you.
[ Shouting ] You hear me?
[ Tuan ] You naive man, Cronauer. You take a stupid side.
Now you have to go. It's better off.
That's not the fucking point!
Understand me?
I fought to get you into that bar...
and then you blow the fuckin' place up!
Listen. I gave you my friendship and my trust...
and now they tell me that my best friend is the goddamn enemy!
Enemy? What is enemy?
You killing my own people so many miles from your home.
We not the enemy. You the enemy!
You used me to kill two people. Two people died in that fuckin' bar.
Big fucking deal!
My mother is dead.
And my older brother, who be 29 years old, he dead.
Shot by Americans.
My neighbor, dead. His wife, dead.
Why?
Because we're not human to them.
We're only little Vietnamese.
And I'm stupid enough to save your bullshit life at An Lac.
Wait.
We're here to help this country. Where the fuck you goin'?
It's unbelievable.
Five months in Saigon...
and my best friend turns out to be a V.C.
This will not look good on a resume!
- You guys mind if I drive? - Be my guest.
[ Starter Grinding ]
It's a simple rule. If the engine's humming, it's already started.
Never fails. You guys mind if we make a little unscheduled stop?
- I got something I gotta do. - If you attempt to deviate from the aforeplanned schedule,
you're under arrest, Cronauer.
- [ Chattering ] - Okay, everybody, let's play ball!
Go into conference. That point. That fence.
- Okay, here we go. - Go, batter. Go, batter.
Whoa! Headin' north!
Let's go! Was it a double or a daiquiri?
Wait a minute. [ Muttering ] All right!
Thank you!
- [ Mutters ] - [ Cronauer ] Whoa. A little conference.
- Time out, everyone. - This not like a real baseball.
It much smaller and harder than... than this one.
You got me there, Wilk, because-- I'm sorry. We have no budget, you see.
And I gotta get on a plane, and we have to do with what we can.
- Give me your hand. Thank you. - Thank you all the same.
- Thank you all the same, and-- You wanna take the ball? - No.
Okay. We gotta play, Wilk. You're pitchin'.
I want to turn in the ball to the-- see, the original place.
- Okay. Let's take one more ball here. This one's a better one. - No, no.
- Not that one? We haven't got a real baseball, Wilk. - No need.
- Bear with me, okay? We haven't got the money, pal. - Okay.
- Okay? Is that one okay? - Anyway. I accept that this is a very good substitute.
- Okay. Let's just play with the substitute then, okay? - Mmm-hmm. Okay.
- Okay. It's a deal? Okay. - This is a deal. This a deal.
Take the ball with you, then, Wilk. I'll give you money if you take the ball.
- No. I'm sorry. - No? Okay.
- I'm-I'm-- I've no money. Sorry. - Is there a psychiatrist here?
[ Laughter, Applause ]
[ Cronauer ] Whoa! Whoa!
Go! Go! Run, run, run!
[ All Laughing ]
He's not out 'til you have both hands on the ball!
[ Cronauer ] Keep your eye on the fruit. That's it. Eye on the fruit.
Okay, on the fruit, on the fruit.
Go, go! Run, Minh! Run!
Come on, Minh!
- [ Cheering ] - Keep go-- Keep going!
- She's actually goin' home. - Well, I'm goin' out West where I belong
That's it. We'll all change sides.
Where the days are short and the nights are long
- Yes, Wilkie! - Well, they walk and I walk
- They twist and I'll twist - Hey, Wilk, you got a base.
They shimmy and I'll shimmy They fly and I'll fly
Well, they're out there a-havin' fun
In that warm California sun
Well, I'm goin' out West out on the coast
Where the California girls are really the most
[ Players Shouting ]
Where they walk and I'll walk
They twist and I'll twist
They shimmy and I'll shimmy
They fly and I'll fly
Well, they're out there havin' fun
In that warm California sun
[ lndistinct Chatter ]
Yeah, me too. Hey, hey. Oh, hey.
When you look like Goliath, so might you...
- [ Cronauer ] You take care. - beware of, of some David.
We had a great day. [ Speaking Vietnamese ]
Thank you.
Well, Mr. Cronauer, we, we thank you for your fine teaching about softball,
and we have learned a lot from you and we wish you good luck and success.
- Thank you, Wilkie. Thank you. - Thank you.
- Thank you.
- [ M.P. ] You guys ready to go? - Can you give me a minute?
Man, he's gonna say good-bye to the whole goddamn country now.
I want to say good-bye before you go.
To tell you...
thank you for being so kind.
So many things not happen the way you want it.
You so good person,
but I could not with you.
We are so different.
I say "tomato." You say "xioh phoung."
[ Voice Cracking ] See you.
[ Starter Grinding ]
- Staggers the imagination. - Makes me unique, doesn't it?
What a plus.
Flip them the bird!
[ Helicopter Blades Continue Whirring ]
Left, right, left!
Left, right!
[ Together ] Three, four!
Left, left! Left, right, left!
- [ Shouting ] - Left, left! Left, right, left!
It was a pleasure making your acquaintance, sir. Thanks.
Cut that out, Garlick. We're the same rank.
What will I do without you, sir?
- Well, you carry on, Montesque. - Carry on, Montesque.
Carry on. I like that.
It makes me feel, uh, British or something.
I've got something here for you.
I want you to play this. It says good-bye to everybody stayin' behind.
- I'll take care of it pronto, sir. - You could get in trouble.
I requisitioned for a name change. Trouble is my new middle name.
I'll give you the old chuck on the shoulder now.
It's a stupid thing to do, isn't it?
You take care.
Ed, your fly's open.
Made you look.
Go-oo-ood morning, Vietnam!
This is Eddie Garlick coming to you live from AFRS,
Armed Forces Radio Saigon.
It's 1629 hours here in Saigon, and Airman Adrian Cronauer is going home today.
But he left a farewell message for all you guys out there sweating it out in the fields.
So without further ado, here's a farewell extravaganza.
[ Cronauer On Tape ] Good-bye, Vietnam!
That's right, I'm history. I'm out of here. I got the lucky ticket home, baby.
Rollin', rollin', rollin' Keep them wagons rollin', Rawhide
Yeah, that's right. The final Adrian Cronauer broadcast.
This one is brought to you by our friends at the Pentagon.
Remember the people who brought you Korea? That's right. The U.S. Army.
If it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's probably not being done by the Army.
"l heard that." Oh, ho, you're here! Good to see you.
"I'm here to make sure you don't say anything controversial."
Speaking of controversial, is it true that there is a marijuana problem in Vietnam?
"No, it's not a problem. Everybody has it."
[ Effeminate Voice ] "l don't know, Adrian." [ Normal Voice ] Leo!
"Adrian, take care of yourself. I just want you to know one thing.
If you're going to be dressing in civilian clothes, don't forget pumps."
Thank you, Leo. Thanks for these. Oh, these are special.
"They're ruby slippers, Adrian. Put these on and say, 'There's no place like home,
there's no place like home,' and you can be there."
I hope. I hope we all could.